Creative Maverick Seeks Personal Assistant

Do you have what it takes? Are you hungry for success? Can you fold a tarp? Renaissance Man/Visionary Imagineer /Certified Public Accountant/Aspiring Aerialist looking for a Gal/Guy Friday with can-do attitude and preference for snaps over buttons, not adverse to testy Pugs. Heavy lifting of perpetual motion machine required. Applicant should be a self-motivator, with nerves of steel and a gentle lilting brogue.

Working knowledge of Excel, Quark, PowerPoint, and succulents required. Familiarity with Elizabethan period silver a plus. You may be asked to hand stitch monograms. Due to my extreme sensitivity to odors, you must use unscented deodorant and detergent at all times and avoid perfume, cologne, and particularly the insidious reek of eau de toilette. You may not exhale in my presence.

Schedule flexibility essential, as you will need to be available at a moment’s notice, 24/7, including nights, weekends, and all religious and secular holidays (except for Winter Solstice, when I take the day off to attend Paul Winter’s Earth Music at Cathedral of St. John the Divine.) Duties will include scheduling, screening calls, silicon rubber calendering, warming of soothing (unscented) balms. Potential candidates must handle pressure gracefully and remain poised when I occasionally curl up into a tiny ball and request hand feeding.

No pay to start, but potential for spiritual growth, mastery of your fate, and a unique opportunity to realign cosmic energies through the media of fine endpaper marbling and tango. If you believe “life is an adventure” then this is not the job for you, as you are a bit too Pollyanna-ish for my taste. Discretion is required as certain elements within an obscure monastic order are currently conspiring to wrest control of my thoughts. I don’t like crybabies. Prepare to be inspired.

Respond with cover letter, CV, tongue scraping. Attached an essay of no more than 500 words on the subject “Why Paul Winter is a Genius”. Please note that submissions that do not follow these guidelines will not be considered; in fact, they will be burnt to a crisp inside a fiery furnace. No phone calls—and please stop that dastardly scratching at my door!

Tags: monograms, Paul Winter Consort, Visionary