Archive for the ‘funnies’ Category

NWOCACA BID WELCOMES YOU!!!

October 14, 2010

Northwest Outer Central Adjunct Core Adjacent

Business Improvement District Newsletter

SPRING 2010

Thank you to all our members who have held tight throughout this economic downturn, valiantly refusing to lower commercial rents despite a seemingly intractable empty storefront glut. Good times are coming! We are proud to announce the opening of the following businesses along the NWOCACA UPCORE (Northwest Outer Central Adjunct Core Adjacent Upscale Corridor):

GENTRIFRIED: “Big Taste. Small Portions.” Mac N Cheese N Truffle Croquettes named “Best Snack” on Insufferablefoodie.com. We use 100% pure horse chestnut oil!

NAMASTAY: Canine Yoga Studio. Pranayama For Purebreeds. Homeopathic Housebreaking. “Master and Me” Downward Dog series.

GLASS + LAPIDUS (– BIRNBAUM) ARCHITECT GROUP: Wide variety of undulating walls. Ask about our “Teak and T1” packages. Wish fulfillment renderings our specialty.

THE RUB OUT: Retro Speakeasy Social Club. Sip artisanal cocktails in a former Mafia hangout. Cool, huh? Try the “Crazy Joe Gallo” Gimlet—garnished with a miniature clam!

BURNISH: Organic, free-range, locally-sourced, hormone-free, mid-century modern furniture.

THE SKEIN EVENT: Woman-only Knitting and Kickboxing Center. Green Tea Bar. This Month’s Special: 10 percent off Empowerment Services.

THERMINI: Theramin lessons for kids. Coming Soon: Ukes for Tykes.

On alternate Sundays, the Van Licken Gourmet Popsicle Truck will be parked next to the Melanie Klein Playground (the one with the vaguely obscene-looking equipment.) Our sticks are made from reclaimed barn beams.

NOTE: The above ventures were recipients of BISNEZ (Business Incubator Small Niche Enterprise Zone) grants, which do not represent any reduction in rent, or any weakening of our resolve regarding per-square-foot averages, but rather are an innovation rebate instigator, which is hardly the same thing.

NEWS (New Experience Word Sequences)

DUES ARE DUE! Don’t forget that this quarter there is a bench beautification assessment of $32.50. Tony’s Shoe Repair has been officially declared blighted. Although this designation has no standing in a court of law, we are hoping that he will be shamed into becoming less dusty and moving that rack of used loafers inside.

Nanny League Season begins this month with the Child Wrangling Preliminaries: TIBET V TRINIDAD at the Melanie Klein Playground (the one with the vaguely obscene-looking equipment).

GLASS + LAPIDUS (– BIRNBAUM) ARCHITECT GROUP would like to announce that the “vaguely obscene-looking equipment” at the Melanie Klein Playground is inspired by regional flora and if you’re seeing something else it says more about you than it does them.

CORRECTION: In our Winter issue, in the article about the Le Quoi canal-bank development, the phase “Condo Loft” should have read “Loft Condo”.

A MESSAGE FROM YOUR PRESIDENT

Ron Bourbon, Jr.

Proprietor, Sea Salt Depot

It is with great pride and more than smidge of  regret that I announce my plan to step down as President of Northwest Outer Central Adjunct Core Adjacent Business Improvement District to pursue personal opportunities and interests. After much mental and emotional wrangling I have accepted an offer to become Honorary Professor of Eminent Domain Studies at CICADA: The Community Institute College Academy of Development Arts (non- accredited). You will be left in the fine smooth hands of your new Incoming Acting Appointed President, my dear friend, Hope Cornichon of Hope’s Chest Lingerie Shoppe. I look forward to seeing you on visits back to my hometown, should they ever occur, despite my best attempts to avoid them.

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The Naked Cowboy’s Mom Loves Hummels

February 14, 2008

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One day I was listening to my favorite collecting podcast, Keep Antiquing. The jovial host, Frank Farmer Loomis, was attempting to give a caller some advice about Hummels. She seemed disappointed that she was not likely to be rolling in dough if she sold her little molded munchkins. Imagine my surprise and delight when she said that she would just have to rely on her son…THE NAKED COWBOY! The Naked Cowboy’s mom was on the phone, yakking it up about her infamous offspring and his skimpy wardrobe! Of course I knew that the Naked Cowboy had family somewhere out there in the U.S.A. but I didn’t expect this oddly mundane audio encounter with his proud mom. What a serendipitous moment. I just had to share this telling glimpse into the life of Robert John Burck. Listen to it here.

In other Naked Cowboy news: He is suing a naked M&M.

Meet my friend, Muffgirl!

February 13, 2008

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She’s really very nice. Not scary at all! She’s on MySpace, like most everyone else, except for those people who constantly update you on what they had for breakfast via Facebook, or the ones who are wondering where everyone went on Friendster. She has a theme song! And who is that singing? Ummm…guess! I am exclamation point crazy today! I think it’s because the WGA Strike is over!!!
 
Go here now to meet her:
MUFFGIRL MYSPACE PAGE 

Creative Maverick Seeks Personal Assistant

October 18, 2007

Do you have what it takes? Are you hungry for success? Can you fold a tarp? Renaissance Man/Visionary Imagineer /Certified Public Accountant/Aspiring Aerialist looking for a Gal/Guy Friday with can-do attitude and preference for snaps over buttons, not adverse to testy Pugs. Heavy lifting of perpetual motion machine required. Applicant should be a self-motivator, with nerves of steel and a gentle lilting brogue.

Working knowledge of Excel, Quark, PowerPoint, and succulents required. Familiarity with Elizabethan period silver a plus. You may be asked to hand stitch monograms. Due to my extreme sensitivity to odors, you must use unscented deodorant and detergent at all times and avoid perfume, cologne, and particularly the insidious reek of eau de toilette. You may not exhale in my presence.

Schedule flexibility essential, as you will need to be available at a moment’s notice, 24/7, including nights, weekends, and all religious and secular holidays (except for Winter Solstice, when I take the day off to attend Paul Winter’s Earth Music at Cathedral of St. John the Divine.) Duties will include scheduling, screening calls, silicon rubber calendering, warming of soothing (unscented) balms. Potential candidates must handle pressure gracefully and remain poised when I occasionally curl up into a tiny ball and request hand feeding.

No pay to start, but potential for spiritual growth, mastery of your fate, and a unique opportunity to realign cosmic energies through the media of fine endpaper marbling and tango. If you believe “life is an adventure” then this is not the job for you, as you are a bit too Pollyanna-ish for my taste. Discretion is required as certain elements within an obscure monastic order are currently conspiring to wrest control of my thoughts. I don’t like crybabies. Prepare to be inspired.

Respond with cover letter, CV, tongue scraping. Attached an essay of no more than 500 words on the subject “Why Paul Winter is a Genius”. Please note that submissions that do not follow these guidelines will not be considered; in fact, they will be burnt to a crisp inside a fiery furnace. No phone calls—and please stop that dastardly scratching at my door!